Recovery

Healing from the effects of sexual abuse and assault is a process that takes time. There is no magic that can make it go faster; it takes as long as it takes. But the sooner it is begun, the sooner survivors can make progress in their lives.

The steps outlined below describe one type of healing process that many survivors experience. The steps, though listed in a certain order, may be experienced in a different order, and steps may be repeated more than once. Because the healing process can be very painful, survivors benefit from finding their own internal and external motivations that will help them get through it, from committing to the process and the time it takes, and from the love of those around them whom they can trust and rely upon as they recover.

STEPS TO RECOVERY
from sexual abuse and sexual assault

The abuse stops.

This is the only step in the healing process that survivors themselves have little or no power over. Therefore, it is essential that intervention efforts are made by others to help survivors get away from abusers and out of abusive situations. To learn more about how to do this well, see REPORTING and MINISTRY.

Survivors are physically safe and feel emotionally safe.

In order for the recovery process to work, survivors must be physically safe. They cannot truly heal from previous abuse and assault if they are being continually re-injured. Many survivors are physically safe, but they do not feel like they are. Until they feel secure, they will not be able receive deep healing because they will not be able to let their guard down and be vulnerable in the healing process.

Survivors recognize the truth that they were sexually abused or assaulted.

Many survivors are lied to by abusers, by family members, and even by their cultures, all of whom claim that what happened was everything from good to normal to not really damaging to survivors. The truth is that sexual abuse is evil, abnormal, and extremely damaging to anyone who experiences it. But survivors often believe the lies of those around them and may sometimes accept those lies in their own minds because they don’t want it to be true that they were abused or assaulted. Survivors need the truth in order to be free.

Survivors make a decision to seek help and healing.

Survivors must decide, for themselves, that they want help and healing. Just because help is offered to a survivor does not mean it will be received because, simply put, survivors often do not trust anyone to help them. Sexual abuse and assault have robbed them of their ability to trust. And survivors have often sought help and been harmed again, so they lose hope that healing is possible. But help is available and healing is possible. Though this is true, it is essential that no one try to force survivors into recovery because it is the survivors’ will that was violated in the abusive situation, and anything resembling coercion will resemble the abuse and prevent the survivors’ emotional healing. Compulsion or force, even with good intentions by others to help survivors, will ultimately be rejected by survivors.

Survivors remember.

Once in a healing process, which often involves a loving, trusting relationship with another person and vulnerable, truthful communication with that person, survivors remember important aspects of the abuse and assault that affected them. They do “memory work.” The memories may come by themselves through dreams, nightmares, or flashbacks. Or survivors may deliberately try to remember, which may or may not work, depending on whether or not they can release their fear. Remembering is part of acknowledging the truth that the abuse and assault happened; it is part of rejecting fear, guilt, and shame; it is part of loving and accepting one’s self—body, mind, heart, and soul—and becoming inwardly whole.

Survivors express their emotions in healthy ways.

Part of recovery involves expressing the intense emotions catalyzed by sexual abuse and assault, including the survivors’ debilitating fear, terror, anger, rage, depression, guilt, shame, sorrow, grief, frustration, and distress, in healthy ways. Survivors often do not know how to recognize and name their emotions or how to express their emotions in ways that are not self-destructive or damaging to others. This is because the abusers in their lives, who are sometimes their family members, did not teach them how to identify and express their emotions. Often, survivors were told what to feel, regardless of how they did feel, or they were told not to feel at all. In order to survive, those who experienced abuse or assault often cut themselves off from their emotions, which can feel utterly out of control to them. One of the most important steps in recovery is connecting with the memories and emotions caused by the sexual abuse and assault as well as subsequent memories and emotions. This leads to wholeness.

Survivors gain understanding.

Survivors learn about sexual abuse and assault and the effects of these on their lives. This understanding strengthens them tremendously as it helps to dispel the power of fear, lies, and confusion brought about by abusers. Without understanding, many survivors will remain in abusive situations or repeat them, sometimes in the role of the abuser. So understanding is essential to healing. But intellectual understanding by itself is not enough. Survivors need emotional healing in order for their souls to be free from pain.

Survivors tell their story.

75% of children who experience abuse do not disclose in childhood at all (source: Nicole Braddock Bromley). Many adult victims remain silent as well. But survivors in the healing process speak out. They tell someone what they went through. They gain courage, they confide in someone trustworthy, and they find freedom from fear and shame. They find support from others who care about them.

Survivors grow stronger.

As survivors heal from sexual abuse and assault, they grow stronger physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Their new strength can be surprising! As survivors deal with their past, they are better able to deal with everything and everyone in the present.

Survivors confront.

Survivors are courageous. Whether directly or indirectly, they confront their abusers and assailants. They confront unhealthy family members about their failure to protect and their unhealthy relational dynamics. They report abuse and assault to the authorities. With God’s help, they break the power of fear in their lives.

Survivors forgive.

Some secular counselors teach that the only person survivors need to forgive is themselves. This is untrue on two counts. First, survivors did not sexually abuse or assault themselves. They did not do anything wrong, so they do not need to forgive themselves or ask forgiveness for that. If later, as a result of the sexual abuse and assault, they did do something wrong to themselves or others, then they do need forgiveness, which they can receive immediately by asking for it from God. It is the abusers, who sinned against the survivors, who need to be forgiven—for their sake and the sake of the survivors themselves.

Forgiveness means releasing the one who owes a debt from the necessity of paying it. Survivors receive profound healing in their souls when they stop wanting the abusers to pay for what they have done. This does not mean survivors deny the abusers’ responsibility for abuse; it does not mean survivors should stuff their anger; it does not mean reconciliation with the abuser, especially if that person is still abusive. Abusers must be held accountable for what they have done. Survivors need to express their anger in healthy ways. And reconciliation is a long, hard road that involves profound change on both sides before it is possible. Many times reconciliation is not necessary (as in the case of those who were abused or assaulted by strangers, since there was and is no relationship to reconcile). Without reconciliation, forgiveness is still possible.

And forgiveness is essential to the healing process. It is empowering to survivors. It is freeing.

Survivors overcome.

Survivors overcome the effects of sexual abuse and assault through the healing process. They commit to taking care of themselves. They reject the lies they were told. They grow in loving, trusting relationships. And many survivors also help others heal.